Isn’t it crazy how quickly we forget? And yet there are some things that are never forgotten, that lie just out of reach but have such power that we can feel the memory as though it were a heavy shadow accompanying us wherever we go.
Today, I am firmly settled in my lighter side. But there was a time not so long ago, where I was horribly stuck in my darker side. I suppose that, as with childbirth, it makes no sense that the pain of even the very recent past remain dewy fresh in our minds. But memories of harsher times can serve a very useful purpose – they remind us to be grateful for the lightness of our present, of how strong we really are, and that though we may now be in a place of grace, there are others who still struggle whom we might help.
I wrote these words just one year and a half ago, and when I stumbled upon them yesterday morning they shocked me, and I felt a wrench of sadness and a longing to reach backwards in time and tell myself that it would all work out ok.
“I feel like I’m a thousand years old. Like the weight of my soul has become too heavy a burden for my body to carry. How much longer can I go on like this, void of the light that once filled my eyes? I feel completely alone – but I can’t be the only person who feels like this. I know I am strong…but I feel weak. I have become what I swore I would never be. Who made those decisions? Who chose this path?
I can’t reach backwards; but I can tell others who are now where I was then, to hold on, to keep that tiny flame of hope alive, to believe that they are strong enough to break free, to transform, to give the world the gifts they came to pass on.
Keep faith. Know that you are not alone. That each day is a new beginning, awash with possibilities, with fresh decisions waiting to be made, decisions that can change the course you’re on. Just keep believing. One day, you’ll prove yourself right.