The Mediocre Blues. I keep gettin ’em. One minute I’m all on fire with inspiration and vision and hope, the next I come over all sad-little-puddle-of-useless. This whole “find your purpose” thingymajig is just not as simple as it’s cracked up to be.
So I’m doing this 9-5er to pay the bills right? But I know (“Living my Mission” Phase 2 of 4 at this point) that I need to create my own version of a meaningful life. So after work I read/write/brainstorm/theorise/vision-seek in an effort to equip myself with the necessary knowledge and hopefully cough up my “life purpose”. Now firstly (and I’m sorry to whine but it really is starting to make me a little techy with the Universe), I’ve been doing this for more than a year and I still don’t know what It is, and secondly, since I started working again last September I’ve found it a lot harder to get in the inspiration zone.
I come up with the usual excuses (I’m too tired to utilise my brain post-zombifying 9-5; I deserve to just kick back with a beer and watch some
vampire porn True Blood/other trashy TV; I don’t have time cause I need to eat and check facebook and twitter and email and just like, chill yo) but the old brain knows by now that this is all BS so it tries, but most of the time the spark of inspiration just isn’t there. And that tiredness is actually soul-weariness from having the Mediocre Blues at work, which is way harder to shrug off than regular tiredness. It is.
The other day on the way home I was wondering what exactly it is that makes me feel so drained and joyless by the end of the day (I actually have a pretty cushy job with my own office and no stress, so nothing to complain about on the surface of things), and I realised it’s that I find it reeeally hard to uphold my vision of what I want to manifest, both internally and externally, when I’m there, and I take that low energy out with me when I leave.
And the reason for that is that at work, everything about my environment tells me I am mediocre. And it’s like I have to have a certain portion of my brain reserved to just repeat “You’re better than this, this is not all there is for you, you will figure shit out and escape” on a constant loop. I have to tell myself that what I see reflected at me is not really me, and this requires an astonishing amount of energy.
Lately this has been getting harder and harder, so that I find it almost impossible to feel like real me when I’m there, and once I’m out I still feel somewhat displaced in myself, as though my essence has shifted to somewhere just outside of me to avoid being present during the torturous day.
What I’ve realised is that it’s probably enough to just figure out my “life purpose” for right now; interests and needs change (at an impractically accelerated rate for your truly), so it’s enough to start creating something for right now rather than for the next ten years. So that’s what I’m focussing on – short term goals that are concrete and measurable, just like all the big clever boys (Tim Ferriss and his ilk) say. I’ve also noticed recently that the more I manifest (blogs, helping clients, art etc), the calmer I get. It seems that I am not immune to the “make-my-mark-on-the-world” impulse, and every time I share something else that is tangible it’s like I get a little bit more solid myself.
Well whatever makes me feel calmer and happier is good in my book, so I will continue to sludge through Mediocre Land whilst focussing (like a laser. Cause I can do that. Sometimes) on my short term, concrete goals that will banish the Mediocre Blues forever.