I realised last week in a minor epiphany (the sort you have after savouring the better part of a bottle of good Tempranillo) that the end of March marks the first birthday of my darling little blog. Understandably this brought on a an attack of But-I-Still-Don’t-Know-What-I’m-Doing, closely followed by a slightly desperate I-Should-Totally-Have-Figured-That-Out-By-Now in combination with a So-WHY-Am-I-Doing-It-Anyway?!
It drives me a little (just a little) crazy that I still don’t have a clear purpose – here or out in the world – but as my teacher Thomas Hübl would say, this is not a blockage to my path; this is my path. Learning to be super grounded despite feeling lost
fairly often most of the time, and somehow speaking my truth despite not yet having clarity on how to manifest it is my big ugly challenge.
Having said that (and got the whining out of the way), there has been some progress towards clarity over the last year. I have finally understood (and accepted) that the spiritual is the dominant thread throughout my life, and moving towards my purpose means moving into a deeper connection with it again. I realised quite recently (although there were many signs over the last few years) that I want to work in group contexts, rather than with individuals – the group dynamic is so charged and creative, so alive, and in my experience you can learn and grow at an incredibly accelerated rate due to this field. Another positive development is that I have found a way to understand my passion for cultural evolution within the context of my spirituality – to me, the revolution that is required is one in our hearts, individual and collective.
I also calmed down because I understood that we can be of service to the world in a thousand tiny ways each day, and as long as I can do that, and follow my heart and let life flow through me, I am happy. I am still trying to find ways that I can bring all of me into the world, that I can do more, change more, but I know I will find them and so the unruly waters of my impatience are relatively serene. Life happens one day at a time, and as I’ve allowed myself to sink into this truth I no longer feel the desperate rush I used to to make everything happen immediately; rather I can just be here, now.
This morning I asked myself the question if there’s anything I’m still afraid of. There was a long silence before a few little bubbles popped up…but just tiny maybes. This is actually quite amazing given that fear used to be my constant companion, one of my deepest constitutional settings. At this point though I’ve done so many things that used to terrify me that even those I haven’t done (yet) I know I will move through in the same way I did all the others. The only thing that I fear now is letting go of my aliveness, not seeing tha magic anymore, living without hope. But I don’t think that will ever happen again.
My word of the year is,
e x p e r i m e n t
– and it is with this in mind that I approach each thing which comes to me now. It’s juicy, liberating, reassuring and lightheartedness-inducing and I love it.
My heartfelt thanks to all of you for listening, for your comments and support, and for seeing me in my words even when I could not.