A Rite of Passage


Boy has it been a weird week. I mean like gremlins-at-your-window kinda weird.

It all started at about 4am on an otherwise innocuous night three weeks ago. I woke up and thought “I need a Rite of Passage”. And the whole plan started downloading into my brain. Faster than you would think given the hour, I grabbed a pen and notebook (always just an arms-reach away) and took it all down.

A weekend alone, isolated…lots of meditation, some fasting, creativity, and shitloads of visionning and letting go of old stories. A fire ritual, a cleansing ritual, pictures and poems and clarity. Lots of clarity. So the first available weekend (the first one in May), I set off to a reclusive spot in the countryside for my wonderful, life-changing endeavour.

And it was wonderful; rich, intense, surprising, interesting, creative, cleansing, and ultimately uplifting. Until I got back to reality.

Discomfort + Growth

I accepted a long time ago that if I wanted to grow it was going to be uncomfortable. It was going to make me squirm, have moments of regret where I’d wish I could just live a life of bland work-tv-sleep, and probably cause me to go prematurely grey. Nonetheless I really didn’t expect the aftermath of my weekend.

The first delight was depression; not feeling a little blue but real old-school nothing-makes-sense/lost-numb-desperation/dead-people-have-more-energy style depression.

Then bingeing came back; hello nausea and self-loathing.

Then loss of faith; “What the hell am I doing here anyway? I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Then the brain-demons; “You’ll never make it out of the dreaded conventional world, you just don’t have what it takes.”

What do these guys have in common? They’re all old stories, stories I let go of quite a while back and thought were gone for good. And yet, here they were, back in all their convincingly real glory.

Except this time I didn’t listen. Didn’t take them seriously. Sat back and watched as my neurotransmitters and endocrine system and energy system went mad and thought “What the hell is this?”

The Test of the Passage?

Turns out after speaking to a few friends about what’s been going on that this kind of thing often happens after fasts/cleansings; old crap resurfaces to say hi, even really old stuff you barely remember anymore.

One friend suggested that this gives you a chance to encounter it from the consciousness that you’re at now, and to meet it with a different reaction.

I feel (felt? Not sure if it’s over yet..) like it was a test. Like the Universe was saying “So you wanna be all cool and awesome and shit? Well here, take that old enemy; can you deal with him? What about this one? Think you got what it takes? PROVE IT lady!”

Which, I feel, is a little unfair.

But I don’t think you can argue with the Universe so I guess I have to just suck it up.

Also, I’m pretty sure that in hindsight this will all seem really funny.

The Lesson

It’s also made me think that maybe (just maybe) it’s a good idea to do a little research (me? None. Zero. Nada) on these big old ancient ritual thingys before launching into them (alone) and assuming it’ll all just be sweet and dandy.


So I’ll be sitting tight the next while and hoping things calm down….and that I passed the test. That would be really awesome, Universe.


4 thoughts on “A Rite of Passage

  1. Stephanie,

    Have you tried an afternoon in a quiet corner of a park where you disgust yourself by eating a whole quart of ice cream. Lay back afterwards and let all this self loathing wash over you…..until it dissipates. Who knows? If this stuff also works in reverse you could be unlocking the secret to the universe before it is time for your nap.



  2. “Except this time I didn’t listen. Didn’t take them seriously. Sat back and watched as my neurotransmitters and endocrine system and energy system went mad and thought “What the hell is this?”

    Well said, Steph! And yes, I hope you pass the test.

    You are winning.


  3. Steph, No need for this past shrinking confidence, self loathing, uncertainty and fear. There is a universe within you and outside you full of beauty and magical life. Enjoy little positive signals and help your friends in your NEW TRIBE, Re-connect !! You are great and others do see that, so you have won.


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