Showing Up

 

What does it take for us to show up, 100%, and give all of what we are?

What roles do ego, humility, fear and trust play?

And where is the line between offering what we have to give, between channeling what wants to flow through us, and bringing ownership into the game? At what point can we say. “This is mine”, and to what extent does it serve us to accept that some genius merely flows through us, and is not ours to claim?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and to be honest, I’m still confused. Here are a few of the multitude of considerations that have passed through my overthinking skull in recent days…

Ego

So if all we have to do is open and allow great things to flow through us, why is it so often so goddamn hard? And why does it so often become entangled with ego, with self-value judgements, with the external rather than the internal?

“Here’s what I think. When we know we must lead, but don’t dare to, then we start becoming grandiose – to compensate for the betrayal of our soul’s impetus to move, to become itself fully. And thus, there comes that moment in life where not leading is the path of unhealthy ego. Where not leading, not stepping up, is being violent, is the act of betrayal – Eivind Figenschau Skjellum

Our lovely egos and their many manifestations all too often get in the way, and it’s not always so obvious how.

Humility

“True humility is the certain mark of a bright reason, and elevated soul, as being the natural consequence of them. When we come to have our minds cleared by reason from those thick mists that our disorderly passions cast about them; when we come to discern more perfectly, and consider more nearly, the immense power and goodness, the infinite glory and duration of God; and, to make a comparison between these perfections of his, and our own frailty and weakness, and the shortness and uncertainty of our beings, we should humble ourselves even unto the dust before him – Wellins Calcott

I just watched the documentary “Searching for Sugar Man” for the second time. There is such a huge lesson in that film for all of us, and yet it’s almost like my brain can’t compute it – like that level of serenity with the gross unfairness of life is an unattainable, and perhaps even undesirable, state.

Where do we draw the line between fighting for what we know is inside of us and needs to come out, and letting go to just flow and seeing where we end up, even if that means accepting that some of our dreams may never happen? How much of a right do we have to demand that life rewards our efforts?

It seems there’s a fine balance to strike between being humble and being underconfident.

Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others” – Marianne Williamson

The obvious fear is fear of failure; but it’s not the only one. Fear of shining, of being outstanding can also exist – because then “people” will have expectations. Because we’ll no longer be able to use the old excuse “Oh I can’t do that, it’s too hard/scary/complicated.”

Sometimes, even when we think we’ve become really good at fear-busting, other more insidious, subtle fears may still linger.

Trust

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence” – Charles Bukowski

Perhaps it helps to think about those moments when we’re creating our best work, when it’s effortless, easy, fluid; it doesn’t feel like it comes from us, it’s just coming through us. When we find that sweet spot of perfect balance between letting go and focus, between control and flow, between shaping and being shaped; when we trust enough to sink into that we find our place of genius.

In that state of flow there is no ego, hence no fear, and when it’s over we are humbled (if we’re honest) by what we had the privilege of giving birth to – creative genius that passed through but didn’t come from us; that we can no more claim ownership of than we can the intricate patterns on a flower.

Maybe all it takes for us to show up and give 100% is trust – maybe, if we can stay anchored strongly enough in trust, all the other bullshit falls away like the illusion it really is.

Maybe, trusting ourselves and our place in the greater scheme of things, is actually all we need?

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